From couple to throuple and beyond: Navigating polyamory and ENM

Throuple discourse has been rife in 2024. Luca Guadagnino’s Challengers—about a trio of hot tennis players who are all mega horny for each other—hit the big screen. Peacock’s new polyamorous dating show, Couple to Throuple, has seen real-life couples experiment with bringing a third person into their relationship. And a number of celebrities have shone a light on their own throuple experiences to boot.

But while it might have been getting more press lately, non-monogamy—an umbrella term for any relationship style that isn’t exclusive between two people—is nothing new. According to research in the Journal of Family Issues, only 43 of the 238 societies on the planet are monogamous. Polyamory has long been traditional in many indigenous cultures. And now, in the West, despite having been confined to society’s fringes since gaining traction through the 1960s and ’70s, more radical ways of loving each other are evidently catching on.

So—throuples. How do they actually work in practice? What should you know before pursuing one? And if you’re in one, how can you make it successful? With some help from sex and relationships therapist Rafaella Smith-Fiallo, let’s talk about it.

What is a throuple relationship?

A throuple, also called a triad, is a committed relationship between three people—where the same romance, sex, and emotional connection that make up many relationships is exchanged three ways, between three people, instead of two. 

Throuples are “non-hierarchical,” which means everyone in the relationship holds equal weight (unlike some other forms of non-monogamy where a person might have primary and non-primary partners). Throuple relationships can be “closed,” meaning the folks in them exclusively date and have sex with each other. Or they can be “open,” meaning it’s possible to explore connections outside of the relationship, too.

Like all relationships, throuples can look a little different for everyone, depending on the needs of the people involved. So, if you’re interested in becoming a throuple, it’s all about figuring out what the ideal throuple looks like for you.

Transitioning from couple to throuple

Maybe you’ve already met someone you’re interested in introducing into your relationship. Or maybe you want to start dating around to explore the possibility. Either way, the first thing that needs to happen is a discussion between the existing two.

Having the talk

Choose a moment when you have privacy, and you’re free of time pressures, and dig deep with each other. Some of the vital questions Smith-Fiallo recommends are:

• Why are you interested in exploring polyamory? For example, maybe you feel confident that you can love more than one person responsibly, and you want to explore that. Or maybe you think you could both have certain needs met better by bringing the right third person into the mix. Knowing each other’s motivations can reassure you that you’re both doing it for healthy reasons, and help you feel connected in the decision.

  
  

• What would the ideal “throuple” relationship look like for you? Would it be open or closed? Would you only want to have sex and hang out as a three, or would you be comfortable with the other two doing these things without you? What other terms would you like there to be? Aligning on these nitty gritty practical aspects is vital for ensuring you’d both feel fulfilled by a throuple.

  
  

• How will we honor the person that comes in? A throuple is a lot more than casually dating or having sex with a third person. We’re talking about supporting them emotionally, physically, mentally—one day, maybe even financially. You need to be sure you’re able to do that, and think about how you’ll work together to show up properly for everyone.

  
  

• Do we have the emotional bandwidth for certain challenges that can come with throuple relationships? For example, jealousy, social stigma, a lack of understanding from friends or family, etc, can all take their toll. If someone feels that they wouldn’t be able to handle these things, it may be that a throuple isn’t for you. (But another form of non-monogamy could be!)

  
  

Doing the self-work

If you both come out of your conversation feeling seen, aligned, and excited, that’s what we want. A great next step is committing to learning together. 

“You don’t have to go out and get another partner tomorrow,” says Smith-Fiallo. “Take your time. Read books, watch some speakers on YouTube, take workshops. If you know anyone in the [ethically-non-monogamous] community, chat with them. And just always stay curious.”

Check out Feeld writer Abby Moss on what she wishes she knew about poly relationships before she started having them. And for further reading, some expert-backed books include:

• Polysecure by Jessica Fern 
• Designer Relationships by Mark A. Michaels and Patricia Johnson
• More Than Two by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert
• The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy
• The Anxious Person's Guide to Non-Monogamy by Lola Phoenix

You can also search ethical non-monogamy (ENM) and polyamory events in your local area, which may include educational groups or conferences. And when you start to feel ready, these are also great places to meet potential partners.

Navigating ethically-non-monogamous (ENM) dating

When the time is right to move from couple to throuple, there are whole worlds of connections to explore. The ethically-non-monogamous (ENM) community is a rich and welcoming space to be a part of. So—where do you start?

Meeting people

When it comes to exploring three-way dating, Smith-Fiallo recommends:

• ENM-friendly dating apps. At Feeld, for example, we’re all about helping folks explore sexuality and desire within and outside of existing blueprints. There’s a large ENM community on the Feeld app, which you can discover today.

  
  

• ENM social media spaces. There are Facebook groups for every flavor of polyamory. They’re not spaces to browse group members and directly proposition them, but more communities to become a part of—helping you learn more, get acquainted with like-minded people, and spark organic connections.

  
  

• Local ENM and sex positive events. Parties, groups, conferences, and workshops are all a great way to start integrating into the polyamorous life—so get Googling to see what’s on in your area. Feeld also hosts IRL events, allowing members to connect outside of their phones. 

  
  

• Friends of (new) friends. The more connections you form in the community—even if they’re not directly sexual or romantic—the more circles you’ll be invited into. This is a fun route to meeting more prospective partners.

  
  

Staying mindful

It’s great if you both feel excited by the couple to throuple pipeline, but it’s important to be sensitive and reflective about the way you approach people.

“Some people call it ‘unicorn hunting,’” says Smith-Fiallo, “and that word—hunting—sounds aggressive and violent. It can reduce people to pieces of meat. That is not the vibe you want to be giving off.”

If you’re using the apps, make it clear on your profile you’re a couple. “Have photos of both of you,” says Smith-Fiallo, “and be clear and authentic in your description. We don’t want any ‘bait-and-switch,’ where someone’s led to believe they’ve connected with one person, and then it’s thrown in after that they’re a couple.” 

With Feeld, you can link profiles together with our Constellation feature, which allows you to explore connections alongside partners, friends, and everything in-between. This means you can both have your own profiles, but everyone who comes across you will be able to see that you’re a pair.

And finally, apps or no apps, just always be up front about what you’re looking for with people. When you start dating as a couple, you might meet folks who feel better off as friends, casual sex partners, or both (i.e. friends with benefits). “And there are people who are game for that,” says Smith-Fiallo. “But just be clear about it. Because if someone thinks you’re throuple material, but you only see them as a casual thing, it can leave them feeling disposable.”

Building a healthy and happy throuple relationship

Let’s say you’ve successfully moved from couple to throuple. As with any relationship, there are going to be challenges. But with self-work, communication, and a few trusted throuple rules, you can build something beautiful. 

• Set your boundaries up front. This comes back to those same kinds of questions we covered earlier: Is this relationship open or closed? What does throuple dating look like to you? What does throuple cheating look like to you? Will you only hang out and have sex as a three, or is it okay for two people to do these things without the other one? 

  
  

• Keep that communication going. “You want to create a culture of regularly checking in with one another,” emphasizes Smith-Fiallo. “Like, what’s been going on this week? How have we all felt about it? What can we do next week to better show up for each other?” Consider scheduling intentional time for this—say, 5pm every Sunday.

  
  

• Find ways to make everyone feel seen and loved. If you get to a stage where you’re happy to spend time together in twos, rather than always as a three, stay intentional about making sure no one feels left out. For example, if two of you are hanging out alone, you could send the other person a photo or give them a call to let them know you’re thinking of them. Small gestures like this can make a big difference.

  
  

• Remember to take time for yourself. “Relationships are a lot,” says Smith-Fiallo. “There’s a pressure to be showing up for everyone, all the time, for every single thing. But we need self-care, too; we need privacy, personal space, and time for just us.” (And when we have that, it means we can show up for our partners better.) 

  
  

Dealing with jealousy in a throuple

“There’s this idea that being polyamorous means we don't feel jealousy,” says Smith-Fiallo. “But that's not the case. It's just about being able to identify where it’s coming from, and how to deal with it in a healthy way—rather than in a passive aggressive, or just aggressive, way.” 

So if you notice jealousy coming up, she continues, try getting to the root of why you feel jealous: is it that you feel left out? Is it that you’re not getting a need met? Is something from a past relationship coming up for you? Then, communicate with your partners about it. There may be things you can all do to help heal or solve that root cause—and stop it from coming up again. 

In the poly community, “compersion” is the practice of trying to feel happy that your partner is finding happiness in another person, rather than fretting about whether it detracts from what they feel for you. If you want to learn more about how to cultivate a compersion mindset, Feeld’s got you covered.

Navigating throuple sex and intimacy 

Sex is only one part of a relationship. But for many folks, it’s an important one. So let’s dive a little deeper into how to keep your sex life running smoothly as a three.

• Agree on throuple sex rules that work for everyone—while being open to change. Maybe in the beginning, you decide to only have sex as a three, and that you’ll all sleep in a bed together. But as time goes on, there’s more desire to have sex in twos, and sleeping in a bed together isn’t always practical. Everyone should feel comfortable speaking up about desired changes. But the solution has to be found together.

  
  

• When it comes to the sex itself, remember, consent comes first. Just because there are types of sex you know one partner likes, doesn’t mean the other partner just has to go with it. Make sure you’ve had an upfront conversation about what everyone’s into, and talk about it before you introduce anything new. 

  
  

• Reflect, reflect, reflect. After you’ve had sex together, talk about it some more! What did you like, and is there anything you want to do differently next time? Be sure to discuss sex when you check in with each other in general, too. Is everyone feeling like they’re getting their needs met? Is everyone enjoying the types of sex that are happening? Is there something new you want to try?

  
  

Ultimately, there’s no one way to love others. Throupledom can be a deeply fulfilling alternative to the traditional relationship structure. And the set-up takes work—but all relationships do. Of course, it may be that you’ve reached the end of this article and concluded the throuple isn’t for you. And that’s totally valid, too. 

Stay curious. Keep exploring. And know that there are a million and one ways to build a relationship. A great place to get inspired? Feeld.