“A catalyst for radical self-acceptance and honesty”: an HIV+ roundtable

Many people around the world live with HIV. At Feeld, we want to dispel some of the myths and misunderstandings surrounding the condition. With proper treatment, many people with HIV are safely able to have sex without passing the virus to their sexual partners—meaning they can have happy,  healthy, and fulfilling sex lives. 

You can learn more about treatment and prevention via our guide to HIV, created in partnership with Building Healthy Online Communities (BHOC)—covering PrEP, antiretroviral therapy (ART), and Undetectable = Untransmittable (U=U). 

Having an understanding of safe sex and your own sexual health status can be empowering. Prioritizing sexual health and safety through honest conversations is a great way to connect with your sexual partners regardless of whether or not you have an STI.

We interviewed people living with HIV to gain a richer understanding of how it exists alongside their intimate lives. Here’s what they told us…

What impact has your HIV diagnosis had on your sex life? 

“My HIV diagnosis was a catalyst for radical self-acceptance and honesty. It forced me to confront stigma—both internal and external—and to become more intentional about communication and boundaries. Sex became less about performance and more about connection, trust, and mutual respect. There were periods of fear, shame, and withdrawal, but also moments of profound intimacy and liberation. Living with HIV has made me more aware of the power of vulnerability and the importance of pleasure as a form of resistance to stigma.”

“I would say it has been mixed. With U=U, I have found more guys who are accepting of my HIV diagnosis, which has been really encouraging. At the same time, I have also found guys who are not comfortable. I have also noticed that some of these guys list themselves as negative and on PrEP. It has made me more cautious when hooking up. I pay close attention to what people put in their [app] profiles, especially around sexual health. If something seems off, like missing testing dates or information that does not seem consistent, I tend to question that. If it does not feel honest, I usually move on.”

“Lots initially. Very little now.”

If you wanted to share your HIV status with someone before being intimate, how would you do so?

“I aim for directness and clarity, usually before meeting in person or as things become more intimate. I will say something like, ‘I am living with HIV, my viral load is undetectable (U=U), so it cannot be passed on. I am happy to answer any questions.’ I try to keep it factual and open, while also giving space for the other person’s feelings and questions.”

“I have my HIV status listed in my [dating app] profile, but I also like to confirm with someone while we are chatting on the app that they are okay with my status. I will usually ask if they have read my full profile to make sure they are aware, or I might say something like, ‘HIV positive, undetectable, negative for all other STDs, and fully vaccinated, how about you?’ and let them respond. Before meeting someone in person, I usually do the same thing over text. I will say something like, ‘I know we have already talked about this, but I just want to confirm that I am undetectable, negative for all other STDs as of a certain date, and fully vaccinated.’ That way I feel like I have clearly communicated my status and done my part so there is no confusion later.”

“I would ask them if they are on PrEP. And then in return I’d say I’m undetectable.”

For you, what’s an ideal response that someone could have after you’ve told them you are living with HIV?

“The ideal response is curiosity without judgment—something like, ‘Thanks for trusting me with that. Do you want to talk about it, or is there anything you want me to know?’ Empathy, openness, and a willingness to learn go a long way. Even if someone is not fully informed, a calm, non-stigmatizing response is everything.”

“Honestly, I am okay with rejection as long as it is not rooted in bias, prejudice, or stigma. I want to be with someone who desires me and wants to be with me. If that is not the case, that is fine, as long as they are respectful about it.”

“[Saying] ‘That’s cool.’ Or, ‘oh that doesn’t bother me.’”

Have you learnt anything new about yourself since being diagnosed? If so, what?

“I have learned I am more resilient than I thought. I have discovered the depth of my capacity for self-compassion and advocacy—not just for myself, but for others. The diagnosis pushed me to become a peer mentor and advocate, turning something complex into a source of insight, empathy, and connection.”

“Yes, I have learned how important it is to do everything in my power to protect myself and not just trust that the other person is going to do the same. Before my diagnosis, I did ask questions, but I did not always decline when something did not feel right. I tended to think more with emotion rather than critically. That is no longer the case.”

What’s something you wish more people knew about people living with HIV?

“That we are not dangerous, and that with effective treatment (U=U), HIV cannot be passed on. We are people first: complex, loving, and deserving of pleasure and connection. Stigma is far more harmful than the virus itself. Living with HIV is not a moral failing or a reason for shame.”

“That we are not dirty. We are human beings, and in many cases some of the safest people to sleep with: We cannot afford to do anything that would jeopardize our health, so we are closely monitored and regularly see our medical providers for comprehensive blood work, including STD testing. As a result, many of us are very on top of our health, often more so than the average person. Also, not every person living with HIV has AIDS. HIV is only transmitted through direct contact with specific body fluids, including blood, semen, pre-seminal fluid, vaginal fluids, rectal fluids, and breast milk, and only when a person has a detectable viral load. Those of us who are undetectable cannot transmit HIV to anyone through sex.”

“U=U. Undetectable means untransmittable.”

What is something people shouldn’t say to a person living with HIV?

“Avoid anything that implies blame or fear—like, ‘How did you get it?’ or ‘Are you clean?’ These questions are stigmatizing and intrusive. Instead, focus on the present and ask what support the person might need.”

“People should avoid saying things that are rooted in stigma, fear, or outdated information. Comments that imply someone is ‘dirty,’ ‘dangerous,’ or that HIV defines who they are are not okay. It is important to approach conversations with respect and a willingness to learn, rather than making assumptions or passing judgment. People living with HIV are human beings, and we deserve to be treated that way.”

“Some people say they understand U=U. But then [say] ‘I’d rather not get with you, just in case.’”

What advice would you give to a newly diagnosed person?

“You are not alone, and your life is not over. There is support, love, and community out there. Seek out correct information, connect with others who have been through it, and remember that you are still worthy of intimacy, love, and joy. Take your time—healing is not linear.”

“Take your meds as instructed. You can still live a long life and will most likely die of the things other people die of. Having a full check up at the clinic every 6 months means that you are also better protected from other issues (heart, liver, kidneys etc.). You are very unlikely to die of AIDS.”

“Find your team. That includes a medical provider for your care, a mental health professional, a Ryan White case manager [in the U.S.], and a support group. Your team is what will help you through your journey. If at any point someone on that team is not meeting your needs, it is okay to replace them. Take your medication and go to all of your appointments. Connect with other people living with HIV so you do not feel alone. HIV is just part of your story, not your entire story. There are many more chapters ahead of you to write.”

Whether you’ve had a HIV diagnosis or are becoming intimate with somebody living with HIV, understanding sexual health can be a beautiful way to connect with others. Treatment for HIV has crucially changed the sex lives of HIV+ people, but destigmatization is a core part of enabling those living with HIV to have happy, healthy, and judgment-free sex lives.

You can find more information about HIV via BHOC, The National Aids Trust, and Feeld’s guide to HIV.