Pleasure principles: designing our dream sex toy

Warm pillows, couch arms, cucumbers, peaches, and apple pies—there is no shortage of ingenuity when it comes to finding objects we might use for the purpose of pleasure. The creative crafting of sex toys is a practice older than you might think, dating almost as far back as civilization itself. As Hallie Lieberman writes in her book Buzz: The Stimulating History of Sex Toys: “Thirty-thousand years ago, our ancestors had been hunched over, carving eight-inch-long penises out of siltstone.” Ancient Egyptian art depicts dildos in use in 3000 BCE, and in the medieval period, a plant known as the “Cantonese groin” was soaked in warm water and hardened into a tool for sexual stimulation. 

We’ve come a long way from phalluses molded out of buffalo tusks or stale bread: the sex toy industry is now valued at over $32 billion, and a large array of unexpected and unsexy retailers have picked up pleasure products under the umbrella of wellness. But even with the many innovations, niche offerings, and wider access afforded to contemporary consumers—are we satisfied? Beyond gimmicky products modeled after celebrity genitalia, overly complicated vibrators, and pastel side-table ornaments, the best toys are the ones that are able to surprise us, even after all these years. Here we ask a group of writers, artists, and members of the Feeld community to let their imaginations run wild, to think outside of the squishy silicone dildo and dream-design their fantasy sex toys.

Nea Ching

My dream sex toy would be pretty straightforward. Realistic-feeling high femme sex robot with huge jiggly breasts, thick thighs, round ass, and a possibly interchangeable but definitely well-hung cock. She would be programmed with phrases to say while she chokefucks the life out of me, like “Take it, slut” or “Who’s mommy’s hole?” or “I love you so much” or “I will never ever leave you.” The voice would sound like a mixture between Jennifer Tilly and all my ex-girlfriends.

Nea Ching (aka Chingy Nea) is a writer, filmmaker, leatherdyke, and critically acclaimed ex-girlfriend. She is currently working on her first feature film in Chicago. Follow her on Twitter and Instagram.

The ideal sex toy is something beautiful. Its curves evoke sexuality but it is just as much an object of aesthetic pleasure as it is sexual pleasure. Gentle colors and exciting shapes and curves define it, making the insertion an act of self love beyond raw sex.

Anonymous Feeld member

Lindsay Dye 

Something like a heavy cloud with rain. Ocean waves. A bag filled with jello. A slushie, Big Gulp from 7-Eleven—cherry mixed with coke. Smells like sunscreen and pool chlorine. It floats, has a rim of salt and a mini umbrella. It feels tight, like freshly tanned skin. It lights up in neon and flashes “girls girls girls.” Lycra, spandex stretch, the texture of dolphin skin. Ice in a cooler melting in the sun. The size of an inflatable swimming pool, waxing and waning, full of sticky residue drips of Hpnotiq and Hennessy, on a slim silver pole stuck through the middle. 

Lindsay Dye is from Florida. Maybe that’s all you need to know. Dye lives in Brooklyn and has an MFA in photography. She is known for her performance art and now writes poetry about water, her mom, her exes, synesthesia, and babies.

Imagine a hobby horse, those rocking horses, or like a seesaw…but on each end the seats have adjustable spring dampers, like shock absorbers, and well, dildos to sit on. Each person can push up and down as they sit, kneel, or squat and thus create thrust into the other partner. And also, there's a seat in the middle for a third person to enjoy. All the seats are close together and everyone gets pushed nicely against each other! Best I got off the top of my head, ha ha…

Anonymous Feeld member

BOARLORD

I am unequivocally fat and most sex toys are…flimsy. Slight. I want to fuck a building. A monument. I want to fuck public architecture. Imagine the base of a great pillar. Imagine it pouring like cooling lava, like the Elephant’s Foot, but narrower, less lethal, enough to be straddled comfortably and satisfy a horse girl. From its peak pours a gentle waterfall of lube, leaving its surface oozy and slick, an orca’s wet hull. Along its dorsal surface, a spine of undulating ridges to grind your cunt against, your greedy hole.

BOARLORD is a fat trans sex worker and porn videogame developer. She makes games about fat4fat lust.

I would like a set of eight white collars and eight black collars that accompany a room-sized chessboard. I would like to play with a friend and see how the pieces take each other…

Anonymous Feeld member

Hallie Lieberman

My ideal sex toy would be tongue-like, with the vibratory intensity of a magic wand,  self-lubricating and self-cleaning. It could seamlessly attach to a partner’s pelvic area or morph into a full-size humanoid or cryptid at the push of a button. Most important: health insurance would cover it.

Hallie Lieberman is the author of Buzz: A Stimulating History of the Sex Toy.