Open relationships, polyamory, non-monogamy: What’s the difference, really?

Non-monogamy—a broad umbrella term for any relationship style that isn’t sexually or romantically exclusive between two partners—has never been more openly talked about in the West than it is today. 

A form of love and intimacy that used to be confined to society’s fringes, we’re now seeing versions of non-monogamy play out in mainstream books, films, and TV shows. Leading relationship experts and scholars are increasingly encouraging openness towards it. And, as Feeld found in its 2024 State of Dating Report in collaboration with the Kinsey Institute, ethical non-monogamy is actually the single most preferred relationship style for Millennials and Gen X today.

Where do open relationships and polyamory come in? Well, these are two of many types of non-monogamy. They’re relationship styles that both involve sexual and/or romantic involvement with multiple partners, and do overlap in some ways—but can also differ a lot in terms of dynamics, boundaries, and partner hierarchies.

What are these differences? How do both relationship styles play out in practice? And how can you figure out what version of non-monogamy might be right for you? With the help of sex and relationships therapist Sara Al-Khedairy, let’s talk about it.

What’s the difference between open relationships and polyamory?

“The term ‘open relationship’ is often used to characterize relationships in which partners have the opportunity to pursue consensually-non-monogamous connections outside of their initial dyad [pair],” says Al-Khedairy. Such connections could be sexual, romantic, and emotional, though they’re often mainly sexual. And it’s common—albeit not universal—for them to be considered more casual, or secondary, to the primary relationship.

“‘Polyamory,’ meanwhile, is a type of open relationship in which one or more partners engage in other romantic, loving, and often sexual relationships at the same time,” Al-Khedairy continues. It’s built on the belief that you can be in love—and have meaningful, responsible relationships—with several partners at once. So, each relationship is treated as a commitment, which all other partners know about and respect.

“Some people also see being polyamorous as an identity,” Al-Khedairy adds, “which is to say that someone can still be polyamorous even if they are not currently in relationships with others. But I don't often hear people claim being ‘open’ as an identity in the same way.”

What can each relationship style look like in practice?

There’s no one-size-fits-all way to do open relationships or polyamory. Both can look different depending on the folks involved. But let’s explore some dynamics and approaches we see a lot in the CNM world.

Open relationships

In open relationships, there’s often a mutual understanding that the primary relationship is the priority. Commonly, partners are able to explore casual or sex-only connections with others, while reserving romantic love and emotional investment only for each other (but again, this isn’t universal).

You might explore connections together (e.g., swinging or three-way dating) and/or independently. If you do it independently, maybe there are rules around how you can meet people. Maybe only certain types of intimacy are on the table. Maybe there’s a cap on how many connections you can pursue in a given period, or how many times you can see the same person. (These are common ways to limit an emotional relationship from developing). 

You may agree that a discussion needs to be had before anyone “crosses a line” with another person. You may agree that it’s fine to just go ahead, but you want to know about it afterwards. Or you may agree that you don’t always need to talk about it. It’s really all about what works for you and your partner(s). 

Learn more about designing your ideal open relationship.

Polyamory

With polyamory, where you might be juggling multiple committed relationships at one time, communication around terms and boundaries is similarly vital—but it’s likely focused around things like how time and energy will be spent across partners; how holidays and special occasions are handled, and how to balance everyone's wants and needs. 

Because there are emotions in the mix, there’s often a deeper sense of sharing between partners about their other relationships. Some poly folks live by “kitchen-table poly,” which means all the partners should be comfortable hanging out together, and often do—forming a kind of social cluster. There might be people within it dating the same person or people, while others will just be friends. 

You might have some primary relationships (meaning they take priority over others), or they might be non-hierarchical. You can have “open polyamory,” meaning partners are free to spark up connections with new people, or “closed polyamory,” meaning you’ve agreed not to actively date or pursue further relationships beyond the ones you’re currently in. 

The list of different variations and configurations of polyamory goes on (like, seriously, on and on). So research is key to understanding which ones might be best for you.

What about similarities between open relationships and polyamory?

Long story short: open relationships and polyamory often operate very differently. But they do share several common principles, too.

• In both open and poly relationships, everyone involved is fully informed and consents to the arrangement. This is what differentiates it from “cheating.” And it’s why, for both relationship styles, clear and continuous communication is so vital: to ensure that the arrangement is working for everyone (and if it’s not, then the terms can be revisited).

• In that vein, infidelity is still a thing in both open and poly relationships. What infidelity looks like will differ a lot depending on the agreements that have been made. But generally, if a partner crosses certain boundaries, or violates trust in some way, it can cause hurt and feelings of betrayal—as with monogamy.

• Which brings us to our next PSA: Jealousy and insecurities can absolutely still come up in both open and poly relationships. There’s a common misconception that if you’re going to be consensually-non-monogamous in any way, you have to just not feel jealous (and if you do, that you’re doing it wrong). But with both open and poly relationships, it’s more a case of learning how to process and communicate about that jealousy healthily. Learn more about combating jealousy in the context of CNM.

• Lastly, since both open and poly relationships come under the CNM umbrella, there can often be a shared sense of community between them. Some open and poly folks will run in similar circles, go to similar events, and be in similar online spaces. 

Which relationship style is right for you?

A great question. One of the best. And the answer is: it takes some research and self-reflection to really know.

As a first step, “explore and learn as much as you can, from as many sources as you can,” recommends Al-Khedairy. “Books, podcasts, blogs, Reddit threads, conversations with friends (who are safe and affirming), events, training, and working with a CNM-informed therapist can all be useful in helping people learn more about what's out there.” 

As you learn about the different options on the table, you want to really think about your needs, values, and priorities, and which relationship style they fit best. For starters, Al-Khedairy recommends asking yourself: 

• Are you interested in sexual connections or more deeply emotional connections, or both? 
• Would you want to keep your relationships all independent of one another or would you like some level of interaction between partners? 
• How much time/capacity do you have available to engage in relationships? 

“If you’re currently partnered and considering a transition from monogamy to some form of CNM, again, working with a CNM-affirming couples therapist can be hugely supportive,” adds Al-Khedairy. “The therapist can help guide discussion and hold space for feelings that will inevitably come up as you and your partner navigate the exploration together.” 

Learn more about how your personality traits can impact whether you’re better suited to open relationships or polyamory.

Resources and support

Communities and support networks

“In my early exploration [of CNM],” Al-Khedairy says, “I came to value being able to have conversations with other CNM people. Learning about their experiences often supported me in figuring out what I was interested in, or clarified what I was not interested in.”

To this end, many cities have CNM-themed meetups, discussion groups, or online spaces where you can share experiences, ask questions, and learn from others in the community. Try searching Facebook or Googling what’s on in your area.

If you need support with disclosing polyamorous relationships to your friends and family, too, Feeld has you covered.

Books and online resources

There are all kinds of materials out there to help you on your CNM journey. For deep dives in book form, Al-Khedairy recommends:

• Polysecure by Jessica Fern
• Designer Relationships by Patricia Johnson and Mark A. Michaels
• More Than Two by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert
• Opening Up by Tristan Taormino 
• The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy
• The Anxious Person's Guide to Non-Monogamy by Lola Phoenix

For broader digital resources, she advises checking out:

• The Organization for Polyamory and Ethical Non-monogamy (OPEN)
• The Multiamory Podcast
• Franklin Veaux's Map of Non-Monogamy

CNM-friendly dating apps and sites

“Apps like Feeld, which are more geared towards non-traditional relationship styles and sexual interests, can be a great place to connect with others at all stages in their CNM exploration—and you’ll find people practicing all different types of CNM,” says Al-Khedairy. 

Feeld allows you to state your interests in your profile, with open relationships, polyamory, and many other styles of CNM available. Plus, our new Constellation feature allows you to link your profile up to other profiles—a handy tool if you’re already in a relationship and looking to explore CNM connections together. 

Both open relationships and polyamory can be rich and fulfilling alternatives to traditional relationship structures. Whether either is right for you depends on your needs, values, desires, and priorities—and figuring out what exactly those are is a continuous journey. So stay curious. Keep learning. And don’t rush yourself.

When you’re ready, Feeld is waiting to help you take the next step in your CNM journey. Happy exploring.