The Feeld Guide to bottoming for all genders

The beloved term "bottoming" has come to carry many meanings. It can represent a sexual act, a position, a role, an energy, a community—or all or none of these, depending on the context.

In basic terms, bottoming can be defined as being on the receiving end of sex acts and/or pleasure-giving. In kink circles, it suggests a level of submission: a consensual role whereby power is relinquished to a more dominant partner—aka a top—who's ostensibly in control. Hot.

So let’s back up. What does bottoming actually involve? How can you approach it safely? Do you have to have something up your ass? And what if you want to be a bottom and a top, or just a top, or neither? 

We’ve got some guidance from sex therapist Nikita Fernandes, and advice from anal health expert Dr. Evan Goldstein. 

To top, bottom, or switch? 

Talk of tops and bottoms originated in the gay leather culture of the 1950s and ’60s to signify men’s preferred sexual position and role within a power dynamic. Today, in queer male spaces, it’s often a whole identity category outside the bedroom too—albeit a largely tongue-in-cheek one.

But now, “bottoming is accessible to folks of all genders and orientation,” says sex therapist Fernandes, “because there’s no single definition of what bottoming looks like.” Bottoming very much exists throughout queer communities: trans, non-binary, and lesbian/sapphic folks included. While it’s less commonly characterized with this vocabulary, cishet folks can bottom as well. 

For some, the top/bottom binary is a way to categorize who’s penetrating who, while for others, it’s specifically about power exchange. Sometimes these things can go hand in hand. Let’s break it down as best we can.

What is a bottom?

The most general definition of a bottom is someone who enjoys relinquishing some level of control during sex. This might mean they like to be penetrated, whether by a penis, strap-on, or toy. They might be the first, main, or only receiver of other sex acts, like oral or manual stimulation. And they might want to subsume a more submissive role in broader ways, too—like being spanked, restrained, or told what to do. 

“Media has often featured women and femmes as bottoms,” says Fernandes, “because these are the people society associates with subservient roles. But the reality is that anyone can be a bottom.”

It’s a misconception that all bottoms are submissive, anyway. As mentioned, it might just be about being penetrated—which, in and of itself, doesn’t equate to submission. Plus, you can have “power bottoms,” meaning people who do receive penetration, but still actively take on a more dominant role and energy. 

What is a top?

A top, by contrast, is broadly someone who enjoys wielding a level of control during sex. This might mean penetrating someone with a penis, strap, or toy. It might mean being the “doer” or “decider” of other sex acts. And it might also mean exerting dominance in wider ways—being the one to spank, restrain, or instruct, for example.

But this too is an imperfect characterisation. Because tops aren’t always about power and dominance. For example, “service tops,” by some definitions, see their role as more of a considerate lover, there to dote and please, rather than one of control. So it’s all about the mindset.

What is a switch?

A switch, sometimes called a vers, is someone who’s into topping and bottoming—whether in the context of penetration, power exchange, or both. A switch might change it up depending on what mood they’re in, who they’re playing with, what day of the week it is. 

Switching appears to be significantly more common than committing wholly to topping or bottoming alone. In an Autostraddle internet survey of 3,600 (mostly queer) people, 52% of respondents identified as switches in their sex lives, compared to 14% being bottoms, 12% tops, and 13% identifying as none of these.

Using these labels safely (and for optimum pleasure)

Because labels like “top” and “bottom” can mean different things to different folks, never assume that new partners will know what you like or want when you use them—and don’t make assumptions about them based on their label, either.

“Anyone participating in bottoming should take time to reflect on what they want it to really look like for them,” says Fernandes, “and then get an understanding of how any partners conceptualize the roles, too. This way, everyone can come to agreements on needs, boundaries, and aftercare before play starts.”

For example:

• Do you want to be penetrated, and if so, how?
• Do you want to be dominated, and if so, how? 
• If you are engaging in sub/dom roleplay, what are your boundaries? And what is your safe word, should you want to stop?
• Are you interested in switching up the roles at all?

During sex, remember that, even if your bottoming involves submission roleplay, it is always exactly that—roleplay. In the real world, you have control, and your comfort and safety is the priority. 

“Although it may seem like the top holds control and power over the bottom, that power is ‘power with’ versus ‘power over’—in a safe and consensual way,” says Fernandes. “A bottom’s responsibility is to give feedback to their top in order to guide their experience.”

You might want to consider the traffic light system as a way of continuously checking in as you play—where green is a sign that everything’s good, and you want to continue; yellow means you want to pause for a moment, and perhaps adjust something; and red means you want to stop completely. (You can either say the words “red,” “yellow,” and “green,” or agree on other words or signals that mean the same thing.)

Preparing for anal sex as a bottom

As covered, bottoming does not have to involve being penetrated anally. But for a lot of folks—commonly gay men—it does. And to make the most out of the pleasure potential, while minimizing risks, there are a few things you can do to ready yourself.

So let’s talk about preparing for bottoming, specifically in the context of anal sex. Enter Dr. Evan Goldstein—founder of anal health practice Bespoke Surgical and author of Butt Seriously: The Definitive Guide to Anal Health, Pleasure, and Everything In Between.

Getting to know your own butt

To have anal sex that works for you, “it’s super important for people to understand their own anatomy and how it functions,” says Dr. Goldstein. So get curious. Indulge in some solo butt play—e.g. using your fingers, toys, or appropriate anal dilators and cones (Dr. Goldstein’s own sexual wellness brand, Future Method, has some neat options.) Familiarize yourself with the different sensations, and what feels good.

“There’s muscle and skin that needs to learn to accommodate,” explains Dr. Goldstein, “so people should utilize self-exploration first to guide them into the next phases of play, which is typically with another person or people.”

Discussing needs and boundaries with partners

To recap what was covered earlier: Always communicate with partners about what bottoming means to you, and how you’d like it to go. Go over what you like and don’t like during anal sex (even if you haven’t had loads of it before, this is where that solo play can inform you). Think about how your partner can make you feel safe and comfortable, and any measures or systems you want in place during sex to ensure everyone’s having fun.

It’s also a good idea to discuss safer sex precautions—for example whether you want to use a condom, whether you’re on PrEP, and similar—before the fun gets started, too.

Keeping things clean

Washing your external anal area with soap and warm water is enough for anal sex. Some people like to flush out their rectum by douching, though this isn’t necessary. It’s all a matter of personal choice.

“We know that douching causes an alteration in the microbiome, which can lead to higher incidences of complications like STDs, HIV, and anal injuries,” says Dr. Goldstein. So if you do want to douche, “the goal is twofold: how do you douche less, and how do you use the right solution for douching?”

First, he preaches “gut health before butt health.” In other words, try to get into a pattern of passing regular and complete bowel movements (more on that in the diet section below), so that you don’t feel a need to douche so often. And when you do douche, just be sure to do your research on how to do it safely.

If you’re worried about things getting messy, it’s worth broaching the topic in your initial discussions with your partner. It may help you feel more at ease if they can reassure you that they wouldn’t mind.

And lastly, remember, it’s not just you, as the bottom, who needs to think about cleanliness. Anything that goes up your butt needs to be clean, too, including penises, fingers, and toys. So spread that soap and water memo around.

Considering what you eat

If you’re bottoming on the regular, “high fiber diets are paramount,” says Dr. Goldstein, “as well as high protein diets to help bulk the stool.” These things, combined with lots of water, can encourage better bathroom habits—which ultimately means a more ready bottoming experience. Fiber and probiotic supplements can also increase bathroom regularity for some people.

“Unfortunately, most people choose to abstain from eating when they plan on bottoming, but that doesn’t, and shouldn’t, have to be the only option,” adds Dr. Goldstein. “The key is to understand your own bowels and gastrointestinal tract to determine what works and what doesn’t.” 

For example, if you’re planning on bottoming, avoid foods that you know trigger bad responses for you—whether that’s diarrhea, discomfort, bloating, or gas. And if you’re not sure which foods do this for you, consider keeping a food diary for a while.

Upping comfort and pleasure

When it comes to anal sex, there is no such thing as too much lube. Not only does ample lube reduce friction, but it ups your pleasure—so lube, lube, lube it up (then lube it up some more).

“I love when people engage in significant foreplay before the engagement,” says Dr. Goldstein. So consider starting with non-penetrative anal play first—e.g. rimming or massaging the external area—to help your sphincter muscles loosen and relax. 

When you feel ready for penetration, you can use a dilator, or start with a finger, then two, before progressing to a penis (all, we repeat, using plenty of lube). “I can’t stress this enough: anal sex is not a shove-it-in kind of situation,” Dr. Goldstein reiterates. “Start slow and steady with gradual advancement.” 

Then, “choose positions that allow the bottom to be in control before you transition to more advanced and submissive positions,” he continues. “Maintain open and honest communication [throughout]...Facing each other allows you to see each other's facial cues, too, which can help convey pleasure and pain.”

Ultimately, there are different constellations and configurations to the art that is bottoming. There’s no one way to do it—meaning it's up to you and your partner(s) to explore what feels best. So take things slow. Enjoy the exploration. And keep communicating. You can learn more about different sex roles over in Feeld’s Glossary.